Rev Gav

Abanezer Wolfe and the Castle Make-over

In a land so far away, that you would have to get on an airplane, fly for three days, then get in a canoe and paddle up a river for six weeks, there lived a man called Abanezer Wolfe…

Abanezer Wolfe, the land’s most vicious villain, sat on his black leather sofa staring into a roaring fire.  Wolfie, his pet wolf, lay on his sheepskin rug, fast asleep.  Abanezer wore his long, black, leather coat over his black silk pyjamas (covered with yellow moons), and on his feet he wore his long, pointy black, leather boots.  The castle was freezing cold.

“It’s no good Wolfie,” moaned Abanezer, wrapping his coat tightly around his shoulders.

Wolfie looked up, rather disgruntled that he had been woken from a dream in which he was chasing princes and biting their bottoms.  “Yes, what is it?” he growled.

“It’s no good Wolfie,” continued Abanezer, “we need to do something about this castle.  I’m getting too old to sit here in this drafty place.  There are more holes in the walls of this castle than there are in the plotline of a single episode of Kings and Princes.” (Kings and Princes was Abanezer and Wolfie’s favourite TV show, in which people claiming to be princes or kings were tortured and tickled to see if they really were who they claimed to be.)

Abanezer got up and shuffled towards the fire. Wolfie yawned.

“It’s time this castle was refurbished.  It needs a makeover!  Hmmm, but how to get the castle refurbished without paying for it?  Aha!  I have an idea.”

Wolfie rolled his eyes.  Abanezer’s ideas meant only one thing – trouble.

The next day, Abanezer was strolling in the market, and under his arm he carried a copy of TV Olden Times magazine. He spotted Princess Fiona sitting outside a café, sipping a Belgian double-chocolate latte with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles.  As she was dieting, she had refused to include a chocolate flake.  Abanezer walked past Fiona and as he did so let out a long sigh.  Between sips, Princess Fiona was reading Dear Maggie in the latest copy of Royal Rescue magazine.  Royal Rescue contained all the latest gossip and stories from damsels in distress from all over the kingdom.  Dear Maggie was the agony aunt column in which various damsels wrote in for advice.  Like this one,

Dear Maggie

I have been stuck in this tall tower, guarded by an evil leprechaun, now for six months.  At first, Prince Alberto used to sing songs of love to me every day, but over the past few weeks he has hardly visited at all.  I have heard that he has been seen singing to another princess in another tower on the other side of town.  How can I win back his love?

Yours hopefully

Princes Pertunia

And Maggie’s reply,

Dear Princess Pertunia

Get over him girlfriend.  He is so not worth it.  If he can’t wait a few measly years to see you, then he is clearly not in this relationship for the long haul.  If I were you, I’d find yourself another prince.  Have you tried talking to your evil leprechaun?  Yes, they get angry, stamp their feet and swear a lot, but underneath all that green fury is a little man just wanting to be loved.

Yours all-knowingly

Maggie

Anyway, back to the story.  When Princess Fiona heard Abanezer’s sigh, she looked up from her magazine, “Oh, hello Abanezer.  That was a long sigh.  Whatever is the matter?”

“Oh, you don’t want to bother with the troubles of an old man.  I’m not half the villain I used to be,” groaned Abanezer.

“Come on, sit down and tell Fiona all about it.”  Fiona patted the seat of a chair next to her.  Abanezer sat down and put his copy of TV Olden Times on the table.

“It’s my castle you see,” said Abanezer, “it’s falling apart.  It’s full of holes and it’s freezing cold.  I don’t know what to do.  I can’t afford to spend money on doing it up.  I’m going to go away for a few days, from tomorrow, to visit my friend Tweezle in Dungeonbury.  Anyway, I have to go.  Farewell.”  And with that, Abanezer jumped up and began to walk off.

Princess Fiona saw that he’d left his copy of TV Olden Times magazine on the table and called after him, “Abanezer! You left your…” but it was too late.  He had gone.  Princess Fiona looked down at the magazine and saw that it was open on a page advertising one of her favourite TV Shows.

Extreme Castle Makeover, tonight at 7pm.

Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo and his team help Dame Dinglebottom makeover the castle of Sir Archibald Armitage.

Wanted! If you know anyone who needs a castle makeover then please call the television studio on 0-333-2999.

Princess Fiona had a super smashing idea.  She downed her Belgian double-chocolate latte with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles, and pulled out her pink mobile phone out of her matching pink handbag.  She tapped in the number, “Oh hello, is that Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo?  Yes, it’s Princes Fiona here.  I have a friend that has a castle that needs making-over.  It would be just perfect for your TV show.”

Back at Abanezer Wolfe’s castle…

“Ha ha ha,” laughed Abanezer, “that goody goody Princess Fiona won’t be able to resist doing such a good turn.  Why, in three days time we’ll be coming back to a modernised, dream castle, and it won’t have cost us a penny.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea master?” asked Wolfie.

 “Yes, yes, yes,” answered Abanezer, “Princess Fiona has great taste, and besides, I have a treat for us both.  I have booked us into ‘The Murky Pit’, the finest hotel in Dungeonbury.  There’ll be hot baths, a sauna, and a well-stocked bar.  I found the hotel on the Internet.  Come on, let’s go!”

Abanezer Wolfe took his black leather bag, packed with essentials, such as his black leather swimming trunks and Wolfie’s sheep-skin rug, jumped on his black horse, and with Wolfie trotting by his side, rode towards Dungeonbury.

However, when they got to The Murky Pit hotel in Dungeonbury it didn’t look like its picture on the website.  For starters it seemed a lot smaller, and it smelled as if there was a sewage works next door.  This was probably because there was a sewage works next door.  “I’m sure it will be much nicer inside,” said Abanezer as he dismounted his horse.  As Abanezer and Wolfie approached the front door of the hotel, there was a big sign that read,

ABSOLUTELY AND DEFINITELY AND TOTALLY NO PETS!

“Don’t worry Wolfie, you can sleep outside in the stable with the horse.  I’m sure it won’t be too cold.  Off you go,” sniggered Abanezer, and he went inside the hotel leaving Wolfie whimpering outside the door.

“Oooh, hello darling!” announced Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo as he pranced towards Princess Fiona.  His long brown hair fell in curls over his white frilly shirt.   He stooped and placed a slobbery wet kiss on the back of her hand.

“Pleased to meet you,” smiled Fiona, wiping her hand on her dress.

 “Now, this must be the castle that you want to makeover?” asked Lawrence.  He scrunched up his pert little nose as he surveyed Abanezer’s Castle.  “Eugh, I can see it needs the touch of someone with an eye for design and style.  Someone like me.”  He laughed, “This castle is so 14^th century.”  Lawrence clicked his fingers, and his helpers started unloading cameras and equipment from the back of a cart.  “So, darling, you know how it works.  You and I come up with a makeover plan for the castle, we complete our work in three days, then your friend Abba-knees-up returns…”

“Abanezer,” corrected Fiona.

“Whatever,” waved Lawrence, “your friend returns, we blindfold him, lead him up to the castle, whip off the blindfold in front of the cameras, and watch him as he tells us how much he loves it and how wonderful I am… I mean, we are.”

“Yes, that, erm, sounds lovely,” replied Fiona.

“Marvelous!  Let’s get started.  I’m thinking that we should go for something big and something bold – something that makes a statement.  What is your friend Abba-knees-up’s favourite colour?” asked Lawrence.

“Black,” replied Fiona.

“Black?” Lawrence shrieked, “No, no, no, that won’t do.  I see we are going to have our work cut out for us.  Come darling, I have an idea…”

After three days away, Abanezer and Wolfie returned from Dungeonbury. 

“We are nearly home Wolfie! If my plan has been successful, in just a few moments, we will be able to relax in our lovely refurbished castle.  I’m so excited!” muttered Abanezer.  As they turned the last corner, they were met by a TV Crew from Extreme Castle Makeover.  Abanezer chuckled, “Just as I hoped, my furry little friend, now remember, look surprised!”

“Mr Abanezer Wolfe?” asked a woman from the TV Company (her name was Sharon).

“Yes?” answered Abanezer sweetly.

“I have great news,” said Sharon, “tonight, you are going to feature on Extreme Castle Makeover with Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo.  Yes, whie you have been away, one of your friends has completely refurbished your castle for you.”

“Really, no?” said Abanezer, doing his best to sound surprised.  He gladly donned the blindfold and he and Wolfie were led around the corner and up the hill towards his castle.”

Wolfie, seeing the castle, tried to get the attention of Abanezer.  “Master!” he growled.

“Shhh!” whispered Abanezer.

“But Master!” growled Wolfie.

“I said ‘be quiet’,” hissed Abanezer.

Outside the castle, Abanezer and Wolfie were greeted by Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo and Princess Fiona.  The camera was rolling and the whole kingdom was watching Extreme Castle Makeover on the television.

“Abba-knees-up Wolfe, you are on live television with me, Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo.  Now, are you ready to see your dream castle?”

“Master!” growled Wolfie who was now sounding desperate.  Abanezer gave the wolf a short, sharp kick with his boot.

“Yes, yes, yes!” said Abanezer greedily, “take my blindfold away.”

There, in front of Abanezer was his castle, at least he thought it was his castle.  Abanezer’s mouth dropped open.  Wolfie slunk away.  “My castle, my castle…” stammered Abanezer.

“Yes Abba-knees-up,” said a smug Lawrence, “Fiona wanted to paint your castle black, but I knew that you would prefer a bolder colour, something that describes who you are.  Yes, we painted your castle pink – it’s the new black.  And on the inside, we have painted everything pink – your walls, floor, your bed, even your favourite leather sofa.”

“You what?” cried Abanezer.

“I’m sorry Abanezer,” squeaked Fiona, “he insisted,” and she pointed at Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo.

Abanezer went white, then green, then pink, then bright red, then dark purple.  “I’m going to kill you, you poncy, pink, pimple-head!” he shouted, “I’ll give you an Abba-knees-up, right up your back side!”

Lawrence went white, then yellow, then white again.  “Eeeeeek!” he shrieked.

That night, on television, thousands of viewers, including the three princes, tuned in to Extreme Castle Makeover.  The last thing they saw was Abanezer Wolfe chasing Lawrence Lilliput Foo-Foo down the hill from the castle.  And of course, they hadn’t laughed so much in years.

And that is the story of Abanezer and the Castle Make-over.  I hope you enjoyed it.  Night-night, sleep tight!