Insights
Rev Gav
Is sex outside marriage a sin?
1 Corinthians 7.2
But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
Reflect
Rev Gav has been an Anglican minister for over 20 years. He has led pre-marriage and marriage courses and presided at many weddings. He ministers in both the kink and poly communities, and has developed resources for Christians exploring their sexuality and gender. He himself is divorced and remarried. Alongside his wife, Helen, he co-leads FAB Church, an online, progressive Christian community where all are welcome.
Yes, I am going to tackle this old chestnut (or given the topic, perhaps it should be a pair of chestnuts, or coconuts, or some other metaphorical tree nut?)
One of the questions that Christians ask, over and over again, is whether sex outside marriage is sinful. This includes sex before marriage and sex with partners other than one’s spouse within marriage.
Noun of your business!
The problem with answering this question is that all three nouns used in the question (sex, marriage, and sin) are all open to interpretation and our understanding of them has also changed over time.
For some, sex means only sexual intercourse, whereas for others, it can mean any form of sexual intimacy including masturbation and the use of pornography. Likewise, ‘biblical’ marriage (including polygamy and enshrining patriarchy) was very different from our contemporary forms of marriage, therefore, of what kind of marriage are we speaking? And finally, people have different definitions of sin. For some, sin is a clearly defined list of biblical dos and don’ts, whereas for others it is based on how our actions negatively affect or impact our relationships with God, others, and the world around us.
On top of this, the Christian has to cope with the cognitive dissonance between sexual repression and shaming from within the church, and sexual liberation and license from the secular world. And each of us bring our own opinions and experiences to the topic. For example, it is not easy for Christians to talk about sex when they have been taught (and perhaps indoctrinated) from the pulpit that thoughts about sex are wrong, bad, evil, or even satanic.
Therefore, to answer the question, is sex outside marriage a sin, we first have to define what we mean by sex, marriage, and sin. I will try and be as objective as possible, but my offering here will no doubt include my own personal and cultural bias. I hope, though, that at the very least it will provide you with a springboard to help you draw your own conclusions.
(Perhaps Rev Gav should stop here, scurry for safer ground, and write something nice and fluffy about sheep and shepherds? Ed.)
1. Tying the Knot
Let us start with the middle noun, and undertake a brief exploration into the nature of marriage.
The Sanctity of Marriage
The sanctity of heterosexual monogamous marriage has long been held as a cultural ideal; a supreme standard of excellence that all should seek to emulate. We have historically placed this kind of marriage on a pedestal, and perhaps even idolised it. Of course, marriage has been a stabilising force in society. For example, consider these words from the Anglican Wedding Service:
Marriage is given as the foundation of family life
in which children are [born and] nurtured
and in which each member of the family,
in good times and in bad,
may find strength, companionship and comfort,
and grow to maturity in love…
Marriage is a sign of unity and loyalty
which all should uphold and honour.
It enriches society and strengthens community. (1)
I am not for a moment suggesting that marriage is not important, just making the point that we have traditionally placed it as a higher institution than, for example, singleness. For Christians this has been reinforced through their interpretations of the writings found in the Bible. Although not explicitly mentioning marriage, we read and interpret Genesis 2.24 as the foundation for marriage as the woman’s status changes to ‘wife’: “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Similarly, Jesus upheld the sanctity of marriage when he echoed the words from Genesis and then added, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19.6).
Power, Privilege, and Procreation
Throughout history, Marriage has been about the triple Ps of Power, Privilege, and Procreation. Historian and priest Miranda Threlfall-Holmes writes, “the church has not taught consistently for 2000 years that all sex outside of marriage is a sin, and has not had one unified doctrine of marriage for all that time.” (2)
In the first century, because secular marriage was primarily about a privileged civil status, some Christians abstained from participating in it at all. For example, slaves were not permitted to be married. And for most of Christian history there was no wedding ceremony as we understand it. Marriage was about property inheritance and family or political alliances. It wasn’t until medieval times that the church, seeking to control the nature of marriage, took marriage into its fold and insisted that couples needed to give their consent. Because marriage had little to do with ‘church’ matters, child marriages, practices such as ‘bundling’ (sleeping together fully clothed), and pre-marital sexual intimacy were common. And in terms of women’s rights, it wasn’t until the 19th Century that women were considered to be legal ‘persons’, and the 20th Century before women could even own property. (2)
In the same way that secular marriage emphasised Power and Privilege, religious marriage emphasised Procreation. Marriage within Judaism was based on the Levitical laws and was understood in the light of humanity’s faithfulness to God. Therefore there was, “a general condemnation of all sexual activity not contained in marriage for producing children to fulfil God’s promise of fruitfulness to the patriarchs.” (3) In other words, marriage was about providing a male heir through the conception, birth, and nurturing of children.
This is where the ‘one flesh’ described in Genesis and echoed by Jesus comes from, because, in Judaism, marriage and child-bearing were almost synonymous (i.e. you could not have one without the other) the ‘one flesh’ alludes to procreation where, quite literally, a child is the combined product of both parents. Jesus, in affirming the sanctity of marriage was, in fact, affirming the importance of protecting women and children in a culture that afforded neither the equal rights nor treatment they deserved.
This also gave clarity as to why same sex unions were not permitted, because two people of the same sex could not conceive a child and as marriage was about procreation, how could two people of the same sex be married? Similarly, it meant single people had to remain celibate because how could a single un-married person conceive a child?
Sex and Procreation
As the church sought to bring marriage under its wing, it became a battleground in the war of dualism between things that were ‘spiritual’ (good) and things of the ‘flesh’ (bad), and sexual intimacy became tied with the notion of being only for procreation. In other words, you should only experience sexual intimacy if you want to make a baby. This idea is by no means limited to historical Christianity. For example, if you are a Hare Krishna, sex is restricted to married couples and only for procreation, not for lust or selfish pleasure, because sex is considered a distraction from spiritual life.
It was not so long ago that this was the position of the Church, and the church has slowly shifted its official position to include sex as an ‘act of bonding’ between husband and wife and, dare we say it, even pleasure! Note, the Catholic Church still has not officially approved the use of birth control (for example, condoms), and the Anglican Church only did so (in special circumstances) in the 1930s and this sexual position (pun intended) was only solidified in 1958!
The Culture of Marriage
When we read about marriage in the Bible, we must understand the secular Power and Privilege aspects as well as the nature of religious Procreation. Therefore, on both counts, the culture of marriage today is very different from ‘biblical’ marriage in that we no longer consider marriage as synonymous with power, privilege, and procreation. For example, there is no longer societal or spiritual ‘shame’ in a married couple not having children.
Today, marriage is understood as being a contractual relationship between two people with equal rights and societal (legal) benefits, and for Christians, there is also an emphasis on spiritual union that includes an appeal for God’s blessing, as per the words used in the wedding ceremony, couples are married “in the sight of Almighty God.”
Further to this, many same sex or gender married or partnered couples raise children where, again, the union is divorced from the conception of those children. For example, I was thrilled to hear about a friend’s daughter who married her partner and both women carried the fertilised egg from the other to give both parents a biological interest in the two children they bore.
One of the most significant aspects of our cultural shift towards marriage is that singleness is now not deemed to be in any way inferior to marriage, but can absolutely be sanctified and blessed by God.
All this talk about marriage brings us to an important point, and that is that sex (as we understand it) and procreation are not the same thing. Biblical (first century) marriage between male and female (for you need both for procreation) provided the basis of a societal framework within which children were conceived, born, and nurtured, but this is no longer the case. Sex has been de-coupled from marriage and it is to the subject of sex that we now turn.
2. Let’s talk about Sex, baby
A Sexual Revolution
There is nothing new under the sun, but it is true to say that Western culture has experienced something of a sexual revolution over the past sixty years or so. There has been a major shift in sexual attitudes and behaviours, driven by medical knowledge, birth control, feminism, and broader societal changes, and this includes the nature of marriage as previously described. This has lead to greater sexual freedom, women’s sexual autonomy, and challenges to the traditionally inherited church and societal norms.
We have a growing appreciation for the physical and emotional health benefits of sexual intimacy. We understand that stimulating genitals, including a women’s clitoris or male penis, can be to solely to provide pleasure. Similarly, that men can experience orgasm and pleasure from having their prostate gland massaged through anal penetration. We also know, for example, that regular ejaculation for men significantly decreases their risk of developing prostate cancer (4). Would it not be ethically wrong to suggest that single men should abstain from orgasms and be put at greater health risk?
Modern medicine has also given us a greater understanding of, for example, hormones and how they affect our sexual desire. Both single and married people are subject to the same hormones and hormonal changes. If sex was only to be linked to procreation, surely God would have provided some kind of mechanism to enable such hormones to be ‘turned off’ unless required for the purpose of reproduction?
And finally, and certainly, not the last word on the subject, psychology plays an important part in our sexual desire. As sexual intimacy triggers the release of endorphins (the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators) and dopamine (a feel-good neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward) we feel a whole range of positive physiological and psychological outcomes including peace, comfort, euphoria, and satisfaction. This means that we can, for example, crave sexual intimacy when we are stressed, lonely, anxious, grieving, low, or in pain.
I suppose the crux of it is that, if human sexuality is only designed for procreation, we are wired by God in ‘interesting’ ways!
Your sex isn’t my sex
We are currently going through another sexual revolution and this concerns sexual and gender identity. We have a growing appreciation of the diversity of expressions of sexuality and gender — so much so that we have had to invent speedily a new vocabulary. For example, it has been both a challenge and liberating to discover I am demisexual, sapiosexual, and somewhere between finsexual and abrosexual!
We also have a growing appreciation for people’s kinks, seeing kinks as less ‘chains and leather’ and simply something with which you engage sexually that turns you on and makes sex more pleasurable for you and/or your partner(s). Sure, some kinks are generally perceived to be more ‘out there’ or ‘extreme’, and for some people their kinks have also become fetishes — where their kinks are not just enhancers to sex but necessary for sex. For others, their kinks have also developed into a paraphilia — a persistent and obsessive kink that leads them to take harmful risks or engage in illegal acts.
The point is that ‘sex’ is different for everyone. The definition of sex no longer simply applies to intercourse between a man and a woman, but any one of (and yes I have counted) some five hundred distinct expressions. What is sex for you may not well be sex for me, and vice versa.
3. In the sin bin
Now we have a clearer understanding of marriage, and that sex is distinct from the act of procreation, we can embark on a biblical exploration on what is written in the New Testament about sexual sin as it relates to marriage.
The Bible says…
It is true to say that, despite what you may have been taught in Sunday school, the Bible rarely ‘speaks’ with one voice on any topic; however, let us tackle the New Testament ‘enforcer’ verses head on, and there are three:
1 Corinthians 7.2
“But because of cases of sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
1 Thessalonians 4.3-5
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control your own body in holiness and honour, not with lustful passion, like the gentiles who do not know God.”
Hebrews 13.4
“Let marriage be held in honour by all, and let the marriage bed be kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterers.”
It seems pretty clear doesn’t it — that sex should be contained within marriage? But (you knew there’d be a but didn’t you?) two things come into play here.
Firstly, Paul (a devout Jew) and the writer of Hebrews were writing about first century (what we term ‘biblical’) marriage, one that is synonymous with procreation. They were absolutely not talking about 21st Century marriage as we understand it.
Secondly, and more importantly, Paul and the writer of Hebrews were writing about sexual immorality which means sexual sin. Sexual sin was considered to be non-consensual sexual relations such as adultery, abusive coercion, or rape where the perpetrator put their own needs and wants first, at the expense of others.
One can argue that Paul and the writer of Hebrews considered any sex outside marriage to be immoral, but it is important to note that the sex outside of marriage cannot be separated from its impact on others. What is condemned is sex outside marriage that damages or hurts others, whether the sexual partners or spouses. There is also a general concern for things that would distract us from our focus on God, and sex, like anything else, can become such a distraction.
Sin has an ‘I’ in the middle
The very nature of God, the Holy Spirit, is looking to the interests of others. The Spirit-led ministry of Jesus was all about concern for those who were being oppressed, marginalised, subjugated, abused, downtrodden, or mistreated. Through Christ, sin was redefined from an incomplete set of specific laws to the universal law of ‘love God’ and ‘love one another’. We call this The Golden Rule. In other words, sin was redefined as whenever we put ourselves first at the expense of God, ourselves, others, or the world around us. Now this can and does, of course, encompass some laws such as ‘don’t go around murdering people’, but any law that should be adhered to will fall under the Golden Rule.
Let us look at some real-world examples.
- If I have sex with someone other than my spouse while I am married without my spouse’s consent, the betrayal hurts my spouse and it may well hurt the person I have sex with, as I may be unable to give them the full physical, emotional, and intellectual union for which they long.
- If I watch child pornography, I am feeding an industry that exploits and damages minors.
- If I am a person for whom sex causes me to form an emotional attachment, then if I give that away ‘cheaply’ to someone who does not wish to form an emotional bond, then I risk causing myself emotional harm which may in turn damage my self-esteem.
In other words, how and when we have sex matters, and sex, like any other aspect of our humanity, should be framed with regard to The Golden Rule of loving God and loving others.
Back to the question
Okay Rev, so, can you please answer the question, is sex outside marriage a sin? And the answer is… (drumroll please)…
It depends.
In other words, theologically, it can be possible to engage with sex outside marriage, but if it is to meet our own needs at the expense of God, others, ourselves, or the environment then it is considered a sin and we have ‘missed the mark’.
So, is it okay to lust?
Like anger, lust (sexual desire) is not a bad or wrong emotion! In the same way that anger is an emotion that tells us that there is an injustice, lust tells us we are longing for physical intimacy — and this can be influenced by physiology and psychology. Therefore, if you want and long for sexual intimacy, that is absolutely okay, but we do need to recognise our emotions and from where they are coming. Just because we feel something does not mean we have to act on it!
For example, in the same way that out-of-control anger can lead to fear and violence, out-of-control lust can lead to risk-taking and paraphilia. The Christian, filled and inspired by the Holy Spirit, is called to be self-controlled, or another way of putting it is that our lust (emotion) should always be subject to our will (intellect).
The Christian always has to be careful simply ‘trusting’ in emotions, especially emotions that drive us to act or exhibit certain behaviours, including those that are sexual in nature. Emotions can be triggered from, for example, past traumatic experiences, physical situations, intrusive thoughts, needs, chemical imbalances, and hormones. In the words of the ancient Greek maxim, “Know thyself.”
What if I have engaged in sexual sin?
I realise that those reading this article will be from very diverse backgrounds. Some of you will be feeling shame and carrying guilt from past sexual relationships. Some of you are in sexless marriages or partnerships. Some of you feel trapped, perhaps sexually unfulfilled, and want to explore your sexuality and gender. Some of you struggle with being alone and long for touch and sexual intimacy.
Firstly, let me be clear (and biblical). “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8.1). Nothing can ever separate you from God’s love and the forgiveness, mercy, and grace that you have received through Christ. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone messes up, me included, but, “…if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous, and he is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.” (1 John 2.1-2). This is not an excuse to sin, but an assurance that if you do sin, if you repent and turn back to God, your slate is wiped clean. This is the gospel and if it wasn’t the case then we’d all be (metaphorically) screwed.
Permissible but not beneficial
Yes, sex outside marriage, before marriage, and consensual sex with others within marriage may be permissible, but not everything is beneficial to you or others. Because sex (like music) can involve our whole being — our physicality, emotions, thoughts, moods, and spirituality, we need to exercise great care.
Because your sexuality and your relationships are unique to you, there is no ‘catch all’ rule to be applied to everyone. What may be beneficial to you may not be beneficial to someone else, and what may be harmful to someone else may not be harmful to you. Apart from self-pleasure, sex pretty much involves someone else, and the Christian must always put the needs and wellbeing of others before themselves. And just because a partner wants sexual intimacy with you, it might not be the best thing for them.
So how do we decide what is best for ourselves and others in the light of being a child of God? Well, it’s not easy. As I have mentioned the twin influences of church and secular culture are strong, but you, through Christ, have a direct line to God. Therefore, let your own conscience guide you through the Holy Spirit, always with reference to the Golden Rule of loving God and loving others. Is the sex you desire, or with which you are engaging, putting your own needs and wants first at the expense of God, yourself, others, or the environment?
Sex is a holy gift from God, and we are (predominantly) wired to be sexual beings. Marriage is a sacred union of faithfulness and commitment, where each person chooses to live in a way that puts their partners wellbeing first in order to enable them to become the very best version of themselves. Communication is vital, especially when considering non-monogamous or extra-marital relationships.
Marriage is just one way of living, and singleness can be equally as sacred and blessed by God. Singleness, however, does not have to mean celibacy, and it is not for those who are married to dictate that a single person should live their lives without experiencing the joy and wellbeing of sexual intimacy — and certainly not on the basis of biblical verses that refer to a very specific cultural expression of marriage.
I hope and pray you have found this article useful. If you have been affected or triggered by this article and wish to talk to or pray with someone about your sexuality, gender, kinks, or sexual desires, then please do feel free to reach out to me (Rev Gav) or Helen. Discretion is assured, and we will do our best to support you or point you in the direction of resources that may be helpful.
Amen.
(1) Church of England, Common Worship, The Marriage, Preface.
(2) Threlfall-Holmes, Amanda. No, the doctrine of marriage is not fixed. https://mirandathrelfallholmes.blogspot.com/2023/02/no-doctrine-of-marriage-is-not-fixed.html
(3) MacCulloch, Diarmaid. Lower than the Angels: A History of Sex and Christianity (p. 52).
(4) Ejaculation frequency and prostate cancer, Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer
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